Evil Wine » Unicorn Quarterly

Commentary from Leslie Stapleteen

dustin — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:40:54 +0000

This has been too long teeming inside of me…

Beautiful ankles and staunch power

writhing in sexual agony.

I feel my unicorn brethren

breathing clouds of infidelity.

My white power princess Ariana,

you light my world aflame

with supple amounts of your godliness.

If only uncle Adolf could see your fresh, new style.

Take care, my white, rainbow princess.

Tonight……..

The author of the above “extenda-haiku” committed suicide shortly after due to misunderstandings in the shipyard.

Unicorn Visits Starving Villages

wes — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:43:01 +0000

Fortifa “The Master Unicorn” Visits Starving Lands

Pleased villagers in a strange land

It seems as though it was only yesterday that I witnessed the glorious, mercy of the great Fortifa and his power over the hearts…and stomachs of the people of Ethiopa.

I had travelled to Ethiopia last August to study the effects of cheeseburgers on starving children and was instantly appalled by the “skinnie’s” preference to mud-made cakes and steaks. I can’t say I never tried the delicacy of starved cattle feces pie either… very low in iron, but a delicious surprise.

It was in this time that I began to realize that these people, though seemingly content with their meals and such, were not in fact…healthy.

I wasn’t the only one with this train of thought.

Fortifa the Great came across a tar, black sky; bringing with him the power of the mystics and the light of the America’s. We stood outside of our huts and stared at the sky as the bright purples and orange colors of this magnificent, unicorn rainbow covered the sky.

It was disturbing to drink ‘ole Fortifa’s semen as it fell from the sky. But the Women and children really seemed to love it. They all danced around, tearing clothes from limb, rolling in the creative sauce.

A Child who slept through Fortifa’s visit, scrounges for left over semen droplets.

I have never been able to get that starchy flavor from my mouth.

Sometimes I wonder if I was dreaming it all. My “hut mate” Zimbali seemed to really like me the next morning.

My hut mate, Zimbali. This smile never left his face after Fortifa’s visit…at least when looking at me.

Straight Hornin’ – The Fallacies of Unicorn Parties

dustin — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:44:57 +0000

Unicorn Parties Reach All-Time High

A poll taken by three gnomish creatures show that unicorn parties have reached an unprecedented number. It seems as though there are more and more unicorn themed parties showing up throughout the world by the year. Although this news sounds fabulous for the unicorn lovers everywhere, the theme and usage of unicorn lore is being perverted by today’s lowered standards.

Statements made by the UCB (Unicorn Census Bureau) prove to be far more haunting. They say that if these parties continue to infuse debauchery into the unicorn folklore, then this could cause a unicorn apocalypse.

Depiction of what the UCB states will come if this malicious behavior continues.

This reporter is not so sure that these parties will anger the unicorn gods Phelti, Malzator, or Jaklent–which are the only truemasters of the apocalypse.

UCB shown here hard at work

Wrong Again, Henry House Martins

wes — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:48:00 +0000

NEW ADVANCEMENT IN UNICORN TECHNOLOGY

Design plan for The Studies of Unicorn Advancement’s new prototype, The Zunicorn.

Scientists working under The Studies of Unicorn Advancement (SUA) have taken a giant leap in creating a new hybrid of Unicorn. The Zunicorn is three parts Unicorn and one part Zebra. SUA plans to submit a completed Zunicorn prototype to the Sudanese military by 2012.

“The Zunicorn is not a typical Unicorn… it is also part Zebra. This advancement in Unicorn development could help bring peace to Sudan!” exclaims head researcher Lawrence Teflintane. Teflintane has been developing the Zunicorn gene for nearly 24 years.

Head Researcher for SUA.

Lawrence Teflintane has dedicated his life to the advancement of his Unicorn design, the Zunicorn

Unicorn Pedophilia Touches Students

dustin — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:49:29 +0000

Hap-Napkins Horn Holder Nabbed

Wed May 7, Holy Moses, CO

We all know what happens when an adult gets mad; nothing. Maybe a few drinks, domestic disturbance, then resisting arrest. But what about the children? What happens when the children get mad? They hold little signs outside the Holy Moses, Colorado courthouse in protest.

On April 16^th, Casey McHallenbotum was arrested on charges of pedophilia. But not your normal, everyday, child-raping pedophilia. McHallenbotum has hit a new low molesting innocent unicorn adolescents (NPI*). The arraignment is set for June of 2009 and this is one reason that the children are in such an uproar.

Hap-Napkins in his Majestic field where the alleged touchings took place
The second grade class at Halverston Memorial Elementary School is especially hurt by the fact that not only was this man a pedophile, but he was molesting their own school mascot, Hap-Napkins in his Majestic field–located behind the soccer goal. The children have spent the last week making picket signs to hold in front of the courthouse in protest to expedite the trial of McHallenbotum. The fact that children are actually doing something interesting has caught the interest of major media outlets including John Stossel.

Stossel pictured here getting ready for his interview with the children of Halverston Memorial

Judge McColembyrt was unavailable for comment due to his impending coma. His representatives promise a swift and just trial as soon as he comes out of the coma, which they are expecting to be some time in June of 2009.

*NPI = No Pun Intended

The Quest for the Power of the Infant Unicorn

wes — Thu, 08 May 2008 16:51:30 +0000

All my life I have dreamt of seeing the one thing that truly matters… a baby unicorn.
As all people in all walks of life are obviously aware, the mere sight of this toddler can and will heal all illness, both physical and spiritual…

My life has been dedicated to discovering this angelic creature, wripping open my shirt, and thrusting my stomach forcefully over the young lass’ horn…

For once again, as everyone knows, when one is stabbed by a unicorn’s horn you become filled with joy. Something that many do not know is that an infant unicorn’s Falisada (or “joy juice) is an intensified concentrate that, in some cases, can cause your skin to change into the colors of rainbow. My quest has been rekindled. I am going to find the infant unicorn on the island of Camraderarearap.