NAUSEA has become a true tragedy; a romance of the highest form as seen through the eyes of a demented fuck… the world is odious for the lonely. It is an absurd place. It is a heartbreaking place. Love is the core of human motivation and hate is its by-product. Fear of the self and the existence of others is the catalyst for devastation. Yes, these are the confirmations I have discovered through this production… and then the real kicker… through all this pain and turmoil that the human race inflicts upon its counterparts; the world is the most undeniably hilarious space ever imagined. Life is beautiful and ugly at the same time and through the proper looking glass this absurd connection is the center of all good humour. This is the nauseous world we have bottled into this movie.

And now production is complete. A new life has been born. The sickness is over.  Editing begins.

It has been a long time since I have spoken to you about the NAUSEA process… and what a process it has been!

We began production in the latter parts of October, 2008. Originally we had planned on going it without making a schedule and shooting the picture in chronological order. I wanted the story to evolve in an organic manner; not being forced by false ideals and the biases of cast and crew, but in fact, force the creators to trust in the material’s own desires. Trust the story to become what it wants to be and to progress and warp and change in the way that it feels fit.

This worked. Superbly.

Of course, life and art do mimic one another. Regardless of the cliche; art and life are one in the same. Especially when it is a prerequisite of the cast and crew to approach the work as a “method artist”… to become the characters and to react to the uncontrolled circumstances predetermined by the writer.

Romances flared up throughout the production, addictions came and went, sexual perversions surfaced in our dailies lives, our psychology began to deteriorate. The obsession of the work consumed me.

And this all comes across in the image.

We are in the final week of the shoot. Forced to scramble the production to the end by the threat of losing the equipment to a move to Denver, CO. The stresses really hit hard, both with the cast and with myself. Trying to balance life and work and movie making is an impossible task when all people involved have children and heavy responsibilities. And when the total budget of the production is in the negative from day 1. There have been times when we have nearly raped each other… or at the very least beheaded…

But the movie is nearly done. And what do we have to show for it? Nearly 20 hours of intense, creepy, hilarious, and totally original raw footage. I could never be more proud of the performances and the creativity that has been put into this production from ALL people involved. From a stand in camera operator to an extra; every individual working on this production has lent at least a small portion of their soul to this. It is not about one person or one story or one theme… it is about humanity. It is about experience. It is about all of us. And that is enough to make any “filmmaker” content with the work put into the project.

All the pain, all the laughs, all the stress, confusion, desire, obsession, addictions, promises, rejections, all the personal and the business, all the artistic and creative and spiritual and existential experiences, thoughts, words, actions, glances, kisses, fucks, fights, arguments, all of these and more to come are NAUSEA.

NAUSEA is not a movie. It is a moment in time. It is OUR moment. The darkest winter I have experienced.

The last day of filming is next week. Post Production has already began. The scenes are meshing together into a kaleidoscope of vomit and romance. This is truly a one of a kind movie. No one person can credit themselves to the creation of this picture, but must be humbled to the experience. This was real creation. For all involved.

Thank you.

I was slightly concerned when I began editing.

While producing the scene, performing, directing, shooting, etc. it felt natural and raw and real and layered and textured and rough and hard hitting… it seemed honest.  But then I began editing and the rawness of the footage was distracting to me. Looking at the scenes without post production services seemed like I was looking at a completely different movie. It disabled all erections for the next few hours…

I started to cut together the first bit of footage we had captured of me as ‘The Man’ alone in my home. It began to click. It flowed and jived like a whore in the district health facility. The rawness became even more pure, more beautiful, more lyrical.  The process was as it should be.

The movie was the way she wanted to be.

And she is perfect.

Lindsay owns the frame.

It is with great honor and pride that I offer this movie to the world… if for nothing else, just to introduce Ms. Lindsay Howard to the screen (even if it is on a no budget, indie picture). Even if this movie sucks (which it won’t, I am certain of this) the performance by this screen gem is worth the work, time, and… well, let’s just say, yesterday made this movie everything I wanted it to be… if all it can do is get better than I am more than content.

Watch this girl. She’s going somewhere.

I have picture edited a few scenes and Dustin has picture edited one.

Everything is cutting together extremely well, the humor is outstandingly subtle and also absurdly obvious; “The Man” is not represented as the “monster” he becomes on paper… in my humble opinion, he may not ever be seen in this way.

The story at least, from the perspective of The Man has become a new theme. The story of unrequited love. An allegory of true love. Of course, the story seems disturbing on the surface; obsessive, violent, sexually perverse, darkly comic… but from the perspective of the man it is wholly romantic and true and honest. It is about true love and fear of rejection. Who has not felt this? Which man in this fucked up, disturbed, romantically disintegrated world does not fear this?

I see”The Woman” through the eyes of “The Man”. I see the beauty of her world, of her essence, of her… 

This is true romance. This is true love. This is the tragedy of the story. 

Now let’s see how the juxtaposition of the other character’s changes the way we see him… another tragic point to the theme and ideas of the movie… how does the way other people exist effect the way we do? How can the views other’s have on those around us turn us from hopeless dreamers to a terrifying monster? 

With each addition to another person’s story your own story changes… with each moment in your neighbor’s life your existence is altered. We do not live for ourselves as we think we do… we do not simply affect our own lives or cause and effect of our own lives… even if our lives never interact or cross or seem to breathe the same air, we effect the way other’s see each other, we effect the outcome of other people’s lives, we unknowingly destroy the destiny of the innocent, and in some cases that can drive an individual living in his/her own fucked up fleshy existence to destroy others knowingly. Anger is a beast. Boredom is odious. Desire can eat away at your soul. Rejection is pain. Love is eternal. Love is rarely found… it is always overlooked. The fortunate one’s abandon it. The lucky finder’s of true love are in most cases destroyed by the dreamers.

And those of us in search of eternal companionship are forced into the shadows of this never ending desire. The perversions of the universe have raped humanity. We have been cursed by the malevolent forces above us to live alone, to live the lies, to be deceived by love. It is no longer acceptable to wish for a traditional love, but to live the life of sexual deviance… a love based on the size of your cock, the width of your hips, the duration of your sexual stamina, the smell of your vagina! What ever happened to truth!? Whatever happened to divine connection! 

Well, there was a rant… The shoot is going well. I am learning a lot. Hope you all enjoy the movie.

Filming is a slow process this time around. In the past, Evil Wine has gone through a brief pre-production and then immediately into production; a poorly planned and purely ad-libbed production… and they are always mediocre representations of a potentially high quality and quite humorous, absurdest tale.

In the occasion of NAUSEA things are quite different. We have been in production now for nearly a week and have wrapped in completion on two scenes (of 202) and nearly completed a third. We have grown accustomed to analyzing the depth of the scene, observing the immediacy of the situations, and pushing through to a higher quality of guerilla cinema. Of course, everyone thinks they do this.. but do they? Do you really? I hope so. I used to think I did. That is, until I actually did it. 

Thank the balls of Mark Twain that Dustin is on set… what would Evil Wine be without that distorted human being’s existence? He is quite the photographer as well. The shots look the way they should look. The humorous thing about the look of the film, well at least humorous to me, is that it embraces it’s video. The images are well lit, well executed, amazingly framed, but it LOOKS LIKE VIDEO. It does not try to look like film or appear as some art fag imagery, it appears as what it is. A pristine and elegant version of what could potentially be the gayest looking thing ever.

And now we can discuss the evolution of humor… a scene which is written with no jokes, centering around a character who is fundamentally disturbed and “evil” has been made into a character who, I dare say, is cuddly, warm, sympathetic, and tragic. All a scene needs to do this is for the filmmakers to observe the absurdity of the character’s existence, embrace it, and allow it to be exactly what it wants to be.

I am at a point in my “artistic” career, where for the first time in all of my productions, I actually feel like I am making something that I can be proud of. I feel as this production is the landmark in my life both personally and artistically. It has paved the way, already for me to allow myself to be myself. To know that we are all human including me and that the only thing worth doing to a life is bending it over and sticking my hard dick as far up the asshole as possible and ejaculating all over the sphincter… if I don’t do that, how can I ever be happy.

The exciting thing about the sets and the way we are filming the picture is that we are adopting the rules of Dogme 95. We are only breaking a few rules that we feel can be broken and still retain a purist sense of motion picture creation. The rules you can expect to broken are as follows:

1. There is going to be soundtrack

2. We won’t really kill people

Other than that, props are all found on or around the location (thank God I have shit I never use and have it stored away in closets), all natural light or utilizing lights that are on location, no superficial sexuality (totally), shot digitally, no post production color grading, etc. etc. 

Today is the first day of production, thank the love of Czhechoslavakia for James Holesinsky and the lovely family at Holesinsky Certified Organic Vineyard and Winery for sponsoring the startup of this production. They will always be held closely in our semen packs and one day allowed American citizenship. 

Yippers and flippers.

Don’t forget to vote. I am voting for Bush because I think he deserves a third chance.